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1月31日 Lord Tariq & Peter Gunz - Uptown Baby.mp3Yes, as many of my foreign correspondants have confirmed - the weather is bad in Eastern China. But this morning hope comes in the form of sunshine. It won't last long, so we'll have to soak up as much as we can. There's much for us to do in the meanwhile - but classes have been cancelled, or no one shows up. So around the office we've been finding time to do something else - practice our Chinese. Simon and I, two trainers at Hy-Lite, have signed up to LiveMocha.com, a website dedicated to learning foreign languages. If you're interested in learning Spanish, French, Mandarin, English, etc, etc it seems to be a good aid. You get a few lesson plans to help you review your basics, writing assignments and spoken assignments. It's based on cooperation, so native speakers of one language help correct other's assignments and then vice-versa. I don't have so much time to plow through the lesson plans at the moment, but I think I'll have plenty of time now that things have quieted down.
In other news - Andis has proposed a road-trip with his friend (the King as Andis calls him). The idea is to go around northern Jiangsu by car, eating, laughing, enduring Andis' radical view of politics and so-on. Much merry making to be sure. I look forward to getting out of the city limits for some time during Springu Festival.
In the World of Film News - well, there hasn't been much going on. Sundance reviews are in at CHUD.com, but I haven't seen anything that attracts me other than The Wackness. It's a film that has a NYC setting during the Notorious BIG days but isn't about Hip-Hop - it only uses the music as part of the setting. It's an 'indie' film, but nowadays 'indie' films cost nearly as much to make as a studio picture. Check it out, seems like an interesting coming-of-age story.
春节快乐!
Happy (upcoming) Spring Festival! 1月30日 TRIPLE THREAT 三打We're on some high-level shit with this - you can't fuck with us. WE'RE THE SNOWMEN CREW!
I spotted some people looking like they needed a good snowball beatdown, so being THE BEAST OF THE EAST, I let 'em have it ;)
Things got hot when I saw this beautiful snowlady fluttering her eyes at me. I had to have her, so I made a move. She must've been a tease, 'cuz she left me cold, hyuck-hyuck.
What is he doing to that snowbunny? Just helping it hop over the snow fence ;) (extra large winky smiley!) 1月29日 Twice in day? I been known to leave 'em satisfied.Pictures, delivered earlier than expected. There's a reason I'm known in the ring as "Latino Heat":
BaBaiBan
They built this fine look SnowBunny.
Don't be afraid. It doesn't bite.
At least we know some rebellious Wuxi kids are brave enough to do this in the open. Bravo. I applaud it.
This Winter, The Monkey King comes to a plaza near you. Can-I-Bus? 我可以坐车？The sad part of this blog-bilingualism (biblogualism?! ) is that it takes twice as long to write everything and realize that I can't possibly translate any of the 'humour' used in English. That said, what day it's been! Here's the lowdown so far -
今天我做了。。。
1月28日 S'NO BIG DEAL! GEDDIT?!?! 无锡有了很雪！Wuxi has just got a shit load of snow, and in the past hour, I had a snow fight against 3 lovely students, which I'm proud to say I won! I feel so manly. Here are fresh pictures, without the bitter cold...
Snowman - The top seller of crack in Wuxi - So I heard!
Poor thing looks under fed.
Prof Pickett with the official Hy-Lite Sponsored Snowman.
Me lookin' mad UGLY!
Can't be seen clearly at all, but they're a bunch of soldiers marching with brooms in hand with a huge Chinese flag.
How's tricks, Murphy?
I Got Those Wuxi Girl Blues!
The view outside my apartment. 早上我看看了这个！Terrible!
Part of my Mastershots series.
Donald Duck finally bit it. Or should I say I finally bit into Donald Duck - BOHBOHBOH!
*barf.mp3*
At the New Year party dinner - Andistron, Terrence, Smiley and Sigmeund.
Gang Li hotel
That reporter next to Andis was the sexiest 40 year-old woman I've met in China.
(ouch!!!!!!!!!)
BEEFCAKE ＳＨＯＴ
Slap that monkey
Ninja Turtle on a motocross
Ninja Turtle dancing 1月27日 I Don't Want No Nasty GirlI‘m in an internet bar， this one is in a shopping mall on Chongning Road， same road where the Blue Bar is located。 I ate a good beef filet just before， which was a good meal， though a little too pricey。A similar price get you more at TGI Friday‘s。 That’s saying something about expensive everything is Wuxi is becoming。 trying this place out for the first time。 It doesn’t help that the entire OS is in Chinese， and to boot there‘s no MSN messenger - most people here prefer the use of QQ - a kind of Spyware loaded bomb。 But it’s all good， i‘ve got an internet radio station （Click here， FREE， NO SIGN UP！） bumping some good music at decent quality， though depending on your connection speed， it might buffer out a little too often。 Whether is terrible as you might’ve seen，but it actually feels warmer due to the snow cutting the wind。
1月26日 CLAM DIGGER 3: OYSTER'S REVENGEYet again, as the world turns, Saturday hits us once more. Today's Movie Appreciation class is BATMAN BEGINS. It's a hot flick, and the beginning of the film is near legendary. What will my students think? Is the idea of a realistic take on a man in a batsuit too far fetched for their movie viewing sensibilities? Speaking of which, I saw my second Wong Kar Wai film yesterday, Chunking Express. It was an enjoyable film, very dreamlike in its editing and choice of scenes, the narrative could at times be a little naive and charming, but I think ultimately its a decent film but not a top notch one.
I did something I was never able to do today, I talked to a random couple of girls today in a McDonald's (麦当劳), and initiated a conversation that I was always too shy to do before. It was a great confidence builder.
See you after (my) weekend, SUCKERS! 1月25日 祝贺你！Tony (not Danza)Congratulations to the T-Dawg, AKA Tony, AKA my dad. He's now completed his license, and is now an STM driver. Here's to gettin' paid!
Haulin' Ass! 1月24日 Shanghai 2: The Dark Is Rising 上海照片I'm feeling good this morning, and those good feelings translate into HUGE savings for our dear viewers! We're going to make it happen live son, I'm some Rebel INS shit!
今天我的身体很好。我要跑步和打不好人，哈哈
(today i feel healthy. i want to run and beat-up bad people, haha)
I have no idea if that translates into Chinese. Actually - I'm not sure my sense of humour translates into Chinese to be honest. I guess we'll find out. I think sarcasm and absurd flights of fancy don't make much sense in their context. I can't be held responsible for it mind you.
Here's what you came here for today - Pictures!
There she is, little Sofia is looking like a real stunner. Here she's posing with her finger on her cheek, no doubt after wailing like a banshee for hours before. But with a smile like that, who wouldn't melt like butter. Notice the adorable Mickey Mouse sheets, and Big Bird crib. I believe my brother and used to roll in similar threads. To quote Jim Jones: Balliiiin'!
我的侄女。她叫Sofia，有2月岁。她非常漂亮。我给了很多玩具！
That's the most recent picture of me. Notice how I still have humid eyes and colour in my cheeks. That means I'm not dead contrary to prior reports.
我的照片。 我帅哥不帅哥？
The Mos Eisley Train Station. Where all kinds of scum and villainy gather.
The "Franch" Bakery
这个商店有错名字。
This is People's Square where I met those Shandong province students who took me for tea. This actually looks like that Disney concert hall in America.
这里我见山东学生。他们一起去茶坊。
We tried about 6 different kinds of tea, all of them great. I particularly liked the 果茶 (fruit tea) as it was a deep and flavourful taste. Num-nums.
A pub and grill where I had an overpriced piece of chicken. 1月23日 我叫 Luis。我是外国人。（和帅哥）我不喜欢上海因为太忙了，和有太多车了。
Yesterday's post was rushed because I didn't have the time to post my impressions of Shanghai (上海). I put in the meat of my adventure, but allow me now to go into the gory details and all the bitching you've been waiting to hear - the photos will come tomorrow. Boh-Boh!
Shanghai is dangerous for one reason - the traffic. I'm not exaggerating, it really is deadly. I counted three or four seperate times where I had to fucking leap out of the way. Them niggaz is trained to kill people with those electric scooters. They're nutso and don't bat an eyelid when it comes to rolling by three inches away from your feet. Shanghai is best described as relentless and assaulting on all senses. It's not a city I'd want to live or work in, and certainly not want to stay for any long period. It's the kind of city you go in with an itinerary and plan then get the fuck out while your kneecaps are still in one piece.
我的电脑现在能写汉字。我可以常练习练习写。
As you can see, I've finally figured out how to put this goddamned thing to write in both English and Chinese. This now allows me to flex a little more Chinese into my posts to make it more reader friendly for the Chinese readership as well as practice. Of course, I still write, read and speak like a child but I've only been really learning this loopy language for a little less than year. I practice a minimum of an hour everyday, but I get to enjoy a Chinese environment everyday which counts for a lot more.
我不知道什么高诉你所以我们聊天再明天。你看看错吴，请给我伊妹儿。谢谢！
APE-UNIT WILL NOW BE WRITTEN IN TWO LANGUAGES!
(as much as possible) 1月22日 Shanghai Speed Turbo FX NgineGoddamn that Shanghai. I set out yesterday at 9 o'clock and arrived at the train station at 10 o'clock. The train departed at 10:45, and off I was on the very comfy and fast D train. Arrived in Shanghai, I walked all the way to People's Square. I met a bunch of students from Shandong province had a chat, and before you knew it, I was off to a traditional tea ceremony hosted by some girl from Guangxi province. It was very entertaning and informative. After that we parted ways, at that point I was hungry so I had an expensive meal at some western pub, drank some home-brewed honey brown lager and rested my barking dogs. From there, I walked around some more aimlessly and eventually headed back to Wuxi, after eating a 6-inch sub at Subway's, which I surprisingly found to be hell of a lot more enjoyable than the meal at the pub. 1月19日 Mongolian Werewolves on Chrome Wheels 2I have a dream of one day watching a movie about a group of Mongolian warriors from the distant past ressurected as werewolves in modern day China as they grab hold of Chrome Harley junk wagons and tear up the countryside, chain-whipping, raizing, drinking, howling and taking mind-bending drugs all throughout. That would be the greatest B-Movie event of whichever year it would come out in. Some day I'll be bored enough to write such a screenplay myself.
Until that day however, here's a salute to the biker flicks of the exploitation era directed by Larry Bishop - a no-name guy really, the vast majority of us would only remember him as the strip club boss in Kill Bill that tears into Madsen's character for wearing a shit-kicker's hat. It's produced by Quentin Tarantino, so naturally his name is the biggest on the poster, but it still means that it's going to be interesting. After all, Quentin is a bit of a madman, and his previously produced films include Hostel 1 and Deux, which were interesting in their own right. So, here it comes - Michael Madsen, Vinny Jones, Dennis Hopper, David Carradine and so on. The inclusion of Vinnie Jones (remember him from Lock, Stock and Two Smoking Barrels ?) is a bit of a mystery to me, but I guess he's a perfect monster for a biker flick. He probably has extensive chain whipping experiences in his resume.
Peedi Peedi Peedi - Tomorrow is Sundday and you know what that means! This is the last update of the week. However today is Saturday, so that means today's movie appreciation class is... Ghostbusters. I meant to show this one some time ago, but a last minute switch was made and showed something else. Today will be second Bill Murray film I've shown the class, the other being Lost In Translation.
The weather today is shit - rainy and windy. There's a party tonight at Le Blue Bar, but why??? I done heard one of the Brazilian engineers is leaving, but which and why I've no idea. I'll investigate and find out. I ain't working tomorrow so it's all good. The music is going to be terrible as usual - I never want to hear any more hillbilly rock or Led Zeppelin (which I always used to like until the beast called overkill came to visit the blimp). Now, I ain't saying play my particular kind of music - but I'm saying play something other than the kind of music people used to listen to when they were squatting in the bush waiting for Charlie to show up. Real Talk.
On monday I'll be in Shanghai, where I suppose I'll meet all kinds of strange people.
See you on Tuesday. 1月18日 Sawed-off shotgun, hand on the pumpDo humans crave violence as much as sex? Apparently more or less according to some new study by the guys whose job it is to make vapid research on things we already knew and took for granted. Thanks Scientists, now I know why I got my wires crossed when it comes to Street Fighter 4 - Everytime I Shoryuken it's like I'm... well... let's not go there.
I've been eating in one the many little Japanese restaurants nestled next to the school here. They're pretty good and one of them serves a lunch menu with set meals. It's worth the 20-30 RMB you pay as you get a good hot meal that isn't fucking McDonald's or slop-served-on-rice. I'm not saying Japanese food is better than Chinese food (well, I might be saying that, but not on record, nahmean?) but the quality-to-price ration of these joints certainly is better than most of the hole in the wall joints 'round here.
I bought my ticket to Shanghai yesterday. It was truly an easy and painless process. I didn't need to speak great Chinese to be honest, it was just overcoming this constant fear of not being understood. I'm able to communicate just fine around here, and studying Chinese everyday sure as helped I guess. Now I can almost read the menu!
I'm downloading Fiddy's Justin Timberlake and Timbaland's co-produced "Ayo-Technology (download here)". I bought a bootleg Chinese CD of his last album "Curtis " but it was some advance mish-mash copy of some old and new shit. It's not the same album as what's in stores in the rest of the world. Well, can't complain, it was 6 RMB after all... God I hope Tony Yayo is on the track shouting really inane and sexually explicit lyrics. Maybe he'll sound like a Robot! Who said Hip-Hop is dead, huh? Nas's new album titled "Nigger" (yes, that spelling) is coming and I got a feeling it's going to drop like the atom bomb. I really like his last album, so hopefully this one is even better.
UPDATE: It'll be done in 30 seconds.
DOUBLE-DIP UPDATE WITH THE CARAMEL SWIZZURL: I done heard it. I love the beat, hot as hell. It's got that funny-doopy-dah Nintendo shit background music but with Fifty saying dirty things and JT on the hook. No Yayo though...
I'll take lotsa-lotsa pictures of Shanghai, but more than anything I hope to have a bite of food at a foreign cuisine restaurant. Hmm, maybe a Lebanese restaurant? Or Mexican? Brazilian? I'm feeling it, my stomach is rumbling for some of that hot shit!
Looks like I've had my alloted share of sexual and violent content for today.
See you next week hatuhs! 1月16日 XXX-CentricitiesNew Pictures for thee, the bloodthirsty masses! This time we have 4 strange and delirious treats of (mild) Chinese Wackyness.
This is what dog fashion looks like to some people in China. In fact, I'd say this is fairly limited to the "Nouveau Riche" (New Rich). They may have the dough, but taste certainly can't be accumulated as easily. This was taken inside of a teahouse, as the dog is apparently allowed in, and the mutt (I hate poodles) went straight to just about everything and simulated pissing on it. I'd say this was animal cruelty, but the master was eager to show it off to the Stupid Foreigner (me). Little did she know hatred burns deep in me, and that's what the internet is for. Venting. She was a rude customer shouting at the dog every five minutes, even going to far as to feeding the dog off the table. She treated the teahouse staff worse than the dog. That's a bougie nigga right there...
Yes, that's what day to day fashion here looks like, of course I dress worse than any of them too so at least I acknowledge it.
Nasty Nas, Escobar, Nasir Jones - whether this strange sighting of one of our IELTS students wearing the name of Hip-Hop's Top MC is a deliberate act - well, I wouldn't think so. He said he didn't know who that was.
A bad photo of a stupid decal on a Honda-Civic-esque car. Transformers is big here, especially after that rubbish movie. More than Meets the Brown Eye. 1月14日 Sansho The Bailiff
Yesterday night I saw a movie that moved me to tears. Yes, I state this openly. I haven't seen a movie that had the emotional power in a long time to move me there, but this one did. Come to think of it, I think it was Bambi. My mother tells me stories about how I wailed like a blubbering howler monkey when she took me to see that. We had to leave the theater.
The title, as you can see, is Sansho the Baliff, a film by Kenji Mizoguchi, a first for me by this acclaimed Japanese director who is considered on par with Ozu and Kurosawa (and rightly so). Classic Japanese movies have an amazing power to them, their stories incredibly human and crystal clear in the beauty. I suppose that the post-war film industry tapped into the huge open wound that the country had and as a result its reflected in their art, in this case cinema just as post-war European painting had changed. Now, let's not go any further in that direction. I just want to relate the power of this film to you.
Sansho the Bailiff sets up the story with a Governor who shows sympathy to the peasants, and thus is reprimanded by his superiors. He sends his family away, but before this he instructs his son with the following words: "A man must show mercy, even if he his hard with himself."
Time passes by and the wife, son and daughter return. They never make it back - captured by bandits, the mother and children are seperated and sold to different slave encampments. The mother becomes a courtesan, the children hard-laborers. The story follows the two children as they grow up and attempt to escape. The horrifying moment comes when one of the siblings decides to stay behind to hold off the search party, and you know in the pit of your stomach that this person will never make it out alive. The death is not cruel or even by the hands of the titular Sansho (the film is named after the villain), but rather the death is a sacrifice that is quiet, beautiful and absolutely painful to the viewer. I would have to say it is the most tragic death of any character I have ever seen. I don't want to say anymore, other than this film goes to see the escaped child become a man of principles who will do anything to set things right, but not in the motif of revenge that so many movies employ, particularly Chinese kung-fu films. The humanity of this film is contrasted by the extreme cruelty of Sansho and his henchmen, vicious thugs. His own son cannot withstand the cruelty his father displays.
If there's one thing I've learned over the years is that you can't force anybody to enjoy a film the way you do, and even to recommend it to someone else will always feel like a disapointment. This film I think is too powerful for the 'casual' filmgoer who considers 'Transformers ' to be a good movie. If you do watch it, consider it carefully and respectfully. It is one of the most precious films I've ever seen.
1月12日 Hadouken (in my pants)Look, as I've stated before, I'm through with videogames. I have no interest in playing your Gods of War, Bioshocks or Guitar Heroes. As far as I'm concerned, all those games are straight-up ass. But seeing these videos of Street Fighter 4 footage, as early as they are, I can't help but get excited. To be honest, yesterday afternoon I had a peek at a video on 1up's Street Fighter 4 blow-out, and to be perfectly blunt - something moved down there. Now, I know what you're thinking, usually only pictures of curvy Lebanese women or Wuxi girls in their summer daisy-dukes evoke that kind of reaction, but maybe some experience in my past, all the joy, pain, frustration, laughs and other emotions tied to playing Street Fighter and its ilk have somehow affected me psychologically to the point where I get slightly aroused by seeing a new Street Fighter on the horizon. It's weird, it's creepy, I'll be the first to admit it. But I like it. Consider this my public avouement to this strange fetish of mine. It's Street Fighter 4 baby! The best part is that physics of the game seem to be the same as they ever were - fast, and with gravity. All the 3D fighters like Tekken, Virtua Fighter and Soul Calibur have that floaty physics and side-stepping that I could never get used to. Here, the bitch is back and I like the speed it seems to be running at. I can already feel it from here.
1月11日 Yung (Ham)Berg(Er) - How You Do That There.mp3I've got nothing interesting to tell you at the moment. I've heard some interesting drama is talking place all around me, but none of it involves me directly. In Montreal, In Wuxi, In Hy-Lite. But you know me, I keeps it humble and I keeps on my grind.
Keeps!
I downloaded a crazy ass 18 minute long cut of Chamillionaire's Wont Let You Down featuring every goddamn Texas rapper mp3, of which I know like, one. Good shit! The RIAA will be hunting me down now!
 The RIAA for those not in the know is the recording studios association that goes around suing single mothers and 12 year olds for hundred of thousands of dollars for having Bratney Spearz mp3z on their computer. They believe we should consider ourselves incredibly lucky to be allowed to listen to the music and feel very very grateful to pay outrageous prices for CDs.
Wuxi doesn't have a music scene as far as I can tell, but tell you what, I'd love to try my hand at directing a Hype Williams MTV-style music video in the low-down streets of Wuxi. I'd need a better camera methinks and some players to be in the video, not everything I do can be a one-man show! I'd need a bunch of rowdy kids, a rice-car or a pick-up truck, lots of colourful clothing in the vein of BAPE and Baby Milo and so on. The new neons on Zhongshan road would pick up beautifully in a reflection of somebody's shades. OhhH! I'm feeling inspired! 1月9日 American Roller-Derby Politikin' (Ham Sandwich)American politics are interesting in the same way that a train wreck is fascinating. I often wonder why it is so fascinating to watch and yet know that they never even had a chance - all candidates are always lames. This time Hilary Clinton, yes, yes, a woman might win. But it's troubling because she's the wife of an ex-president. Doesn't that seem a little wrong? Two Bushes, two Clintons in such high seats of power. Blaaaaah. Anyway, since I'm not American (but like everyone else in the world, find myself directly/indirectly affected by American policies) I can take pleasure/pain in following what will surely be another entertainingly bone-headed election. Man, they sure can get ta politikin' like it ain't no thang. I'll give them credit for that!
Andis the other Wuxi blogger (haha! just kiddin'!) has a very skewed view on American politics. I think he secretly wishes he were an American, but I have no idea why. He's also an openly declared supporter of the Republicans, aka one-half of the EVIL EMPIRE. Scary! So anytime he talks politics in his blog, you have to keep in mind he's completely bat-shit crazy when it comes to that.
So here's my remedy to the situation, here's what I think is the sanest explanation of what to expect so far.
Today I received an e-mail concerning whether or not I was actually going to submit anything for the upcoming WuxiLife, but after the last issue being the most tepid and bland issue yet (and not spell-checked which sure did me look like a donkey!), I figure I'll just keep my stupid movie articles to myself rather than contribute to such glossy paper being run through the paper mill for nothing. I can't think of a damn single person who actually reads WuxiLife to begin with. My suggestion, and hey, it's free, is turn it into something of a cultural exchange magazine, maybe an ESL-like magazine, something that might actually interest the Wuxi readership. As for the foreign readership, well, they probably like to stroke off to City Weekend in the bathroom anyway. 1月5日 Eminem, DMX and Obie Trice spotted in Wuxi!Not really, but the McDonald's on the opposite corner of Zhongshan Road was cranking out some RUFF BEATZ for 8:30 in the morning. I couldn't believe my ears when I heard this really aggressive Eminem, DMX and Obie Trice collabo "Go To Sleep" playing loudly. Fuck the coffee, that shit would wake anyone up and start a mosh pit. That's the kind of track even I couldn't get away with playing at the New Year's Eve party, but this McDonald's just crossed over into another realm, nahmean?
Thankfully being the ressourceful renaissance man that I am, I caught it as best as I could on video, notice how everyone is still calm and normal despite Eminem chanting "Die Motherfucka Die" with the gun-clap! Hey ignorance really is bliss, huh?
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